Stalingrad writeup

Paintugal writeup

Event info:

Date 11th November 2018
Venue Skirmish Bullswood
Promoter Bullswood
Players Rocket, Hamster, Mrs Fembo, Fembo, CharlieTwo
Result Loss (just)


Stalingrad is the best walk-on in the UK. We have attended for a few years in a row, and this event delivered. This year we were on the Russian's team, swapping sides as last year we were on the Germans. We tripped down to East Grinstead, a land of conference centres and minor gang related violence. Due to traffic issues we did not arrive until quite late on Saturday night, so we only managed to get the pub opposite the hotel, missing the obligatory pub crawl. While in there, someone got stabbed outside so we got locked in anyway. It was a total nightmare being not allowed to leave a building full of beer, so as you can imagine we drowned our sorrows. Not being able see all of East Grinstead was a toughie, but getting drunk in one pub was acceptable.

As usual bollocks was spoken all night, but this time something of note did actually happen!

It was only a short 10 minute drive to game in the morning so we arrived nice and early after a Weatherspoon's communist breakfast.

Game one

This was a Mortar attack of a fort, with Germans defending and Russians attacking. In a slight change to the usual format, the Germans also had a forward operating base with 10 players in. The idea behind this was that they scored extra points for the team the longer the hold out.

At Game start we immediately rushed the German position, routing them in less than 5 minutes meaning they scored no extra points. We also then quickly took the mortar position and began firing the mortar into the enemy position with points being scored for every hit.

Unfortunately, we had Mr Magoo. as our gunner, so we only scored 2 of the available 8 hits. Despite this, we made great progress in attacking the fort itself and pushed the defenders back to far side to the compound. With 2 minutes to go an heroic charge for Fembo got us in to the enemy fort for the win.

As usual all the men were shown up by a girl! Girl power.

Girl power

Game two

Game two was Stalingrad's regular Tank advance game. This game had the Russians defending and Germans attacking. The Germans have advance tank up the field to score points; The Russians can stop the tank by shooting it with a bazooka.

For this game we also had a Russian forward operating base, and this was occupied by the crack squad of UE and Wild Geese. We did much better than the Germans, managing to hold the Forward Operations Base for 15 minutes scoring some extra valuable points. We also changed the gun team to Robert Henry Cain, so as you can image the German tank was easily destroyed. In fact, the artillery pounding was so accurate that in a comedy moment, the tank was set on fire.

So at this point things were looking good for the Russians. However.. its seems that at this point 50% of the Russian team took an early lunch, or were sent to a Gulag... we're mot sure. With our ranks depleted it was just a matter of time before the Germans overran our base, and they soon scored some valuable consolation points. When the game stopped for lunch the Russians were just in front.

Game three

This was another Stalingrad staple: the Flag game. 5 flags were distributed on the field, with points being scored every 30 minutes for each flag held. The Russians took an early lead, controlling 3 of the 5 flags. To conserve paint, we dug in for a defending match which worked for about well for approximately an hour.

However, as the players began taking an early baths, the Russian lines thinned again. At this point many Germans were coming back to the field, with fresh ammunition. We began to be pushed back, finally ending with only 15 brave comrades against a large swarm of Germans. We held on as best we could, but eventually the tide was too much and the base was overrun giving the Germans a healthy bonus score and the win for the day.


Overall this was a great game capturing all the important parts of paintball; drinking too much, the real threat of a stabbing, germans, losing at sport, and being deeply emasculated by a girl.